“If you had the chance to be perfect, would you take it?”

At the beginning of the year I promised that I wouldn’t lie to myself anymore, that I wouldn’t delude myself into thinking that I’m perfectly happy with something that I definitely know I’m not.

I won’t lie. I’m not exactly proud of myself. If I were to answer this question honestly, I wouldn’t say any of those cliché statements: “Everybody is perfect in their own way”, “To be perfect is to be yourself”. I’m not as self-confident as everyone thinks I am, and if I had the chance to turn into that person that everyone loves, I would take it.

I may be loud and obnoxious, but that doesn’t mean that I am self-assured and confident in myself. I still have some self-esteem issues, both in how I look and how I act.

I’ve always wanted to be perfect. To be regarded by everyone as a cool person, someone they could trust and be friends with. I know now that that is an unrealistic thing to wish for, but it’s what I’ve always hoped would become true.

If someone offered me that once-in-a-lifetime chance to become perfect, I wouldn’t even think twice. Hello, perfect Celyn.

To be honest, I want you out of my life.

You remind me of my past, something I want to disregard and erase from my consciousness. You bring up memories I want to forget. You haunt my thoughts and dreams. I want to forget you. I want to push you out of my life. Why are you making it so hard for me?

You’re nothing but a burden to me. Why can’t you see that?

So I’ve realised that most of my followers may not know what I look like…
So, hi! This is me, unadorned and unmade-up. 

#NO I AM NOT 12

Sickening.

Today I went to the park with my baby sister, and I saw this adorable little boy running around the playground. He was so cute!
As soon as my sister and I came close to him, he came up and gave me a hi-five. I realised then that he was autistic. It didn’t matter to me, because he was still a adorable little kid, regardless of his disability.
He then ran up to this little girl and starting jumping up and down. He looked so excited to be playing with someone. The little girl was smiling and they started running around, playing tiggy.
They both looked so happy, that it made me happy. I don’t know, but the sight of little kids running around like they don’t have a care in the world really puts me in a good mood.
But then the girl’s mum walked over to her and grabbed her hand. She led her away from the boy, but not before she shot him a look of indignation and disgust.

You don’t know how much that angered me. How could a mother put such prejudice on a little boy? And to influence her own daughter? I was so appalled with her actions. The little boy did nothing to harm her or her daughter. If anything, they were having fun. I don’t understand how she could interrupt such a happy image with her corrupted thoughts. Just because a boy is autistic doesn’t make him “bad” or “contagious”. Just because he acts different, doesn’t mean he’s different on the inside. He’s just a normal kid.

I’m in a bad mood now. The way some people influence others with their prejudices affects me negatively. I may not be directly involved, but I can still see their actions and the effect of it.

Vent.

Is there anything in life that isn’t hard?
Will there ever be a time that you won’t fail?
Will quitting make everything bad disappear?

So toughen up and work harder. Quitting won’t solve anything. If anything, it sets you up for more disappointments in the future.

Not everything can go the way you want it to. But that doesn’t mean that you should give up on trying. 

#just venting. don't mind me

Your actions show otherwise.

I don’t understand people who say that they believe in something, then they contradict themselves with their actions. Where are your morals? Where are your beliefs?

If you truly have a view on an issue, then apply it in your actions as well. It’s no use stating your opinion if it doesn’t comply with what you do in real life.

Contradiction.

My parents always tell me to grow up, to act mature, to be more responsible. I try hard to measure up to their standards but it seems like I’m never good enough. I understand that they have high expectations for me, but it would be encouraging if they praised me for my efforts once on a while.

And not only that, but how am I supposed to act like an adult when they don’t treat me like one? I want to share their burdens in the household by getting a proper job and regular income, but they disapprove of me doing so. I want to be responsible, but they’re not allowing me to take the responsibilities of an adult.

I know they only want to have what’s best for me. But they should take my feelings into consideration as well.